Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
