i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
