Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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