We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
