i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
