I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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