she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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