i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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