I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
