I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My liver just had a heart attack.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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