Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
