When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
