Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Randomize
