Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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