Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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