it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
