I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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