He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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