My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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