Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
