Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
