you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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