some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
