ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
