so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
