He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
