I'm so fucking centered right now
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
