I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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