i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
