This is not my ceiling
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Randomize
