Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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