you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
