Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize