You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
