i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
