My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
