Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.