Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.