why didn't you poke me back
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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