Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
