My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
