Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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