when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
