let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
