i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
