True but thats because hes a fetus.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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