the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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