you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
