Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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