so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
