There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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