here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
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the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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