my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
