I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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