dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
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I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
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You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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