Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
