my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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