I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize